Saturday, January 17, 2015

The Ethical Dilemma of Aspiring Christian Martyrs.

The Ethical Dilemma of an Aspiring Christian Martyr.

With the emergence of a cadre of Muslim terrorists dedicated to closely following the example of the Prophet Mohammed (PUH) and slaughtering an open menu of innocent people, they owe us the common courtesy of what our responsibilities are vis a vis our martyrdom.

It gets even more ethically and theologically complex when you dial in such issues as how do I reconcile my own position or that of my religion or lack of religion to accommodate the needs for eternal salvation or whatever of the slaughtering team. For example, one of my friends is a born again Christian secure in his faith and willing and able to follow every last precept as it emanates from the Bible (The True Word of God Almighty). Now he asked me how to handle that admonition of turning the other cheek if slapped on the right one. “How can I do that if one cheek is six feet away from the other following a sloppy beheading?”

The answer is obvious, consider your cheeks as meat on a barbecue and at the right time, turn them both.

Not all these questions are so easy to answer, what about the thousands of Muslim women who are murdered in the name of the Prophet (PUH) every day and for a variety of reasons from talking to a man to irritating their brother. A lady in Saudi Arabia wanted to know what to wear to her stoning. That is a much nuanced query and not entirely based on vanity, which is a purely Christian concept since Muslim men tend to bag their female loved ones in black laundry bags. So starting with the basics it is clear that they may not expose their bosoms, so a clean sports bra is indicated. Their private parts must also be covered and we suggest either a thong or a string bikini. The head cover is optional since that is Jewish perversion and it would not be a good idea to bring Jewish concepts to a purely Muslim tradition. If you are having a bad skin day on your execution date, since you cannot expose your adornments, maybe a dab of Clearasil and a foundation cream to cover beauty spots.

But it gets complicated and much ink has spilled amongst the various Mosques on that crucial question of whether bruises and cuts from stoning are adornments in the Koranic sense of the word. The Prophet (PUH) is silent on that issue probably because like most men his interest in women ceased when the age beyond six years old and they are bagged and mistreated. In my humble opinion we admire their concern for propriety and suggest that when murdering and mistreating your women in a Koranically approved manner you try not to create adornments. Follow the Christian trend towards bloodless executions like injections and electrocutions. I realize that this may not be possible in chronically impoverished regions infested by Muslim males, but do the best you can. The Prophet (PUH) will approve your efforts and may reward you post death, where most of the rewarding is being done by this most generous Prophet/God duo.

Some ladies dress up in their Sunday best, but that could be a mistake since Allah really has a hard on about flaunting both your wealth and your looks on the day that you will be meeting post stoning. It is probably smarter to go for that humble look and allow your daughters or your husband’s other wives, to enjoy your finest. It shows generosity of spirit and allows you to be sloppy on the ironing.

Most of the stoning advice can be applied to marrying off your eight year old to the local elder, though it will be a lot less painful since the old guy will be assaulting with a mushy weapon into a desensitized by clitorectomy  erogenous zone. No biggie as we say in our culture. But they will scream and carry on, so be aware that your child may be traumatized, but what is good for the Prophet (PUH) was good for the elder.

We seem to have wandered off the main topic which was a discussion on the do’s and don’ts of being a good martyr, and I promise to address those issues in a later Epistle, after all being a good victim will make the glory of the Prophet (PUH) much more satisfying as you ascend to your barren (Non-Virgin) heaven secure in the knowledge that you have done all you could not to offend the followers of the peaceful Religion.